A couple more emails have been exchanged. The dialog continues. I remain hopeful that she might see that change is possible.
But I realized some things as I was working on my latest response to her.
Part of what’s bothering me here is based on the same worldview that I have been explaining to her: As I’ve tried to describe to her, I believe that we are all capable of changing our behavior.
But here’s the thing: She is refusing to change her behavior – even after admitting it is/was wrong or hurtful or rude of sarcastic. Not overtly. But because she doesn’t believe change is possible, she refuses to try. The closest I’ve gotten from her as far as an intention to improve is that she will “try to be more aware of how my words affect you.”
Because I do believe that change is possible, her refusal to act means only one of two things: 1. She doesn’t think that what she does/says is wrong; or 2. She doesn’t care enough about me to stop doing the things that hurt me.
But she’s apologized and admitted that she doesn’t have a filter on her mouth. So she does realize that she can sometimes be a bitch.
But she honestly believes that her personality was set at the age of 10 and therefore she is a bitch. (I’m paraphrasing and interpreting here. This is in large part because FB is an asshole and deleted the thread so I don’t have her most recent note to me anymore. CURSES MARK ZUKERBERG! Foiled again!)
But what I’m getting at is that if she’s not willing to work with me and at least attempt to change her behavior (
I mean who really WANTS to be a total bitch all the time? Don’t answer that. I mean, am I wrong to assume that if someone felt that they were being a bitch without meaning to, that that person would want to gain some control of when she was being a bitch?) then my worldview forces me to believe that she doesn’t want to? She is choosing to continue to be a bitch.
I really don’t want to go any further down this path. It leads to some scary places that I really don’t want to go. Places like “You’re not trying hard enough” – a phrase that haunts me to this day. ALL THE TIME. (Thank you ex-hubs#1 and Mom & Dad for that particular demon). I CANNOT put that phrase down on someone else. It’s not fair and it’s a horrible, HORRIBLE platitude to throw down.
But on some level, because of my worldview: my belief that change is possible, I can’t help but blame her for not trying. I interpret her reticence as not caring. Or at least as not caring enough.
This is one aspect of the conversation I’m going to keep from her. Maybe not permanently, but definitely for now. I don’t think that showing her how my worldview could make her a bigger villain in this situation is going to help the dialogue at all.
But I’m thinking about it.
We might be having coffee tomorrow. Just for an hour. I haven’t heard for sure yet. I’m sure this isn’t over yet…