It’s a little lighter today. The last few days really.
About fucking time.
I went into the hole again. The hole of crippling depression and debilitating anxiety. Not sure how long I was there but I estimate the downslide started about six weeks ago.
I hit bottom again. Hard. I think I heard an audible *thud* more than once.
Then I ran out of my trusty Effexxor for a couple of days.
Crippling pit – approaching
Apparently this hole had a yet further bottom to fall to.
Sometimes it feels like a hole that’s deeper even than emotions. Like there’s something fundamentally missing deep inside me – not sure I believe in the “soul” as a reality, but it’s as good a word as any for what I imagine. A hole in my soul.
I found my way back to church yesterday. I’d been avoiding it for several weeks after some drama and humiliation went down.
But it felt good.
And in the evening I went to my women’s group. Where I was greeted with hugs from the most awesome inter-generational group of women I’ve ever known.
I came home to more drama. Jack and W had had a fight. A justifiable one given the afternoon but still — it’s not a fun thing to come home to.
But we worked through it — the 3 of us together.
And that felt good.
I reported to my women’s group during check-in last night that I think I’m on the upswing from this episode of depression.
And it’s true. I am.
There is daylight on the horizon…