It’s been a long year

2012 can go suck some big massive donkey balls.

No, I’m still not working. In January, after my *very first* full-blown manic episode and attendant hospitalization, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1. And drug addiction. Great.

I’ve been sober for 5 months, and I still have 2ce weekly drug treatment groups. I still feel like an idiot admitting to a room full of alcoholics, meth users and heroin addicts that my drug of choice is marijuana.

And after all of this, I lost my daughter. I wish I had the strength to talk about that one, but I just don’t have it yet.

Three or four med trials and I’m finally on a cocktail that’s working decently for me. I took a 6 month leave of absence from school but went back in August.

I’ve lost a lot of friends and people that I cared about. I am trying to find the money to pay the lawyer to file my bankruptcy. But I already sold my car and since junked the one that replaced it when it stopped working and we needed to make rent.

I resigned from my church after several members and some of the staff behaved particularly intolerantly towards me. For a religion whose primary tenets ascribe tolerance, I couldn’t face the hypocrisy anymore.

And so I’ve been adrift.

A big part of me secretly hopes that the whole “End of the World” will come in 2012, if only to give me something to look forward to.

Last week I got a packet in the mail containing records from the first few months of the year as a part of an appeal hearing I have this week. In it I found out that an independent psychiatrist who saw me once diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and that my behavior was on more than one occasion “manipulative”. I understand now the distrust people have in “the system”.

So in the meantime, I struggle through everyday fighting demons I didn’t know until this year that I had.

2012 can go suckit.


About Katya

Teetering on the Edge of Crazy but the view's pretty rad out here View all posts by Katya

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